Raw Deal

I am having a pretty good day. It's amazing when I don't have radiation, I don't feel AS tired. Today is Saturday and I have the weekend off radiation which is like a mini vacation. I have had a bad attitude about this and wonder if I can make it through the next few weeks. The rash on my chest is so painful and irritated. It is almost up my neck...it's like trying to hide a hicci in highschool.

I have been exhausted this week. I have been crazy busy and when I have two seconds to sit down, I about fall asleep. Yesterday, I just needed to sleep. I started feeling the guilt again over being a bad Mom. I felt like my kids are getting a raw deal. They get a mom who to them looks lazy and sleeps all the time. They want me to read and play games and some days I just CAN'T do it. It feels horrible to me. It must feel horrible to them. Everyone says this was a good age for them to be, for me to go through cancer because they won't remember. Yet, as a mental health worker I worry about their personality development and stuff like that. I want what is best for them but I am too tired to do it. I am feeling the same way I did going through chemo.

My two year old just came up to me with a tube of the salve I keep on my radiation area to keep the skin from cracking and falling off. She pulled up her shirt and wanted me to put some on her. They don't miss a thing even when you don't think they are looking. Only a few more weeks...