Hopeless

Tonight I am feeling so hopeless. I have been in a dark hole for over a month now and I can't seem to climb out of it. I feel like I am scratching at the sides and keep slipping down further and further.

I am worrying about dying from this damn cancer. My husband has been working on my case regarding the "failure to diagnose" against the women's clinic. He told me after MUCH prodding the actual statistics of reoccurrence I can expect due to "their" failure to treat when I first went in, compared to what it is now. IF they would have treated me when I first went in there was roughly a 12% chance of a reoccurrence. Now it is 47%. 47%. 47%. A Freak'n 47% chance I will have to go through that hell all over again. A 47% chance it will get me next time. That really scares me. Had I realized this, I may have strongly reconsidered having the double mastectomy regardless.

I feel like giving up. I feel like throwing in the towel and giving up. Why be healthy? Why do everything I can...there is almost a 50% chance it will just come back and consume my body. Glass half empty huh. I just don't have the energy to be positive and fight. Everyone tells me to "be positive", "keep fighting", "it will be alright"...I know it's all meant well...but, as the wise words of a fifty's song once said..."it's my party and I can cry if I want to".

I know this is morbid and dark but I love the song by "Three Doors Down", Here With Out You Baby. And should I meet an early demise I want my husband to sing it at my funeral.

Here With Out You Baby
Three Doors Down

A Hundred days have made me older,
Since the last time I saw your pretty face.
A thousand lives have made me colder
And I don’t think I can look at this the same.
But all the miles that separate
Disappeared now when I’m dream’n of your face.

I’m here without you baba,
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.

I’m here without you baby
But you’re still with me in dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me.

The miles just keep roll’n
As the people lead their way to say hello.
I’ve heard this life is overrated,
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

I’m here without you baba,
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.

I’m here without you baby
You’re still with me when I dream
And tonight it’s only you and me.

Everything I know, and everywhere I go.
It gets hard, but it won’t take away my love.
And when the last one falls.
When it’s all said and done.
It’s get hard!
But, it won’t take away my love.

I’m here without you baby,
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.
I’m here without you baby
You’re still with me when I dream
And tonight it’s only you and me.

And the Oscar for Leading Actress in a Dramatic Series goes to Dana Hyer Whiting in "Crazy with Cancer". Applause...........eye roll